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I think I can safely say without fear of contradiction that I
am the first Press Officer the Branch has ever had who has been
able to begin an edition of the Newsletter with a greeting of
Happy New Millennium.
I trust you all had a Happy Christmas and an enjoyable New Year.
It certainly was a bit special this time around, wasn't it? I
don't think I've ever seen so many fireworks! I hope you all
managed to avoid the dreaded Millennium Bug. No, I don't mean
anything to do with computers (which, thankfully turned out to be
a huge false alarm). I am referring to the dreaded flu bug, which
seems to be affecting everyone in some way or other. It has
certainly done the rounds in our house, and I know several other
people who were laid up over the holiday period.
Referees do not seem to be getting the greatest of starts to the
new millennium from the TV pundits. According to Steve Bruce, the
tackle that earned David Beckham a red card in the World Club
Championship was not worthy of a red card. I'm sure he would, of
course, maintain that opinion if one of his players was on the
receiving end of such a tackle. However, the FA Cup fourth round
provided our friends from the television with plenty of
ammunition, as the refereeing fraternity seemed intent on
shooting itself in the foot. The fiasco over the sending
off/substitution scenario in the Tranmere versus Sunderland game
was the most controversial, but there was also the goal that
wasn't, and the weekly debate over penalties seemed more meaty
than usual. Let's hope that the media begins to see referees in a
better light as the year progresses.
The first edition of the Newsletter of the new millennium has a
more light hearted feel to it than usual. This is largely due to
an excellent article I received from Vic Taylor, which gives an
interesting insight into what might happen in the footballing
world over the next twelve months. Also, the recent antics of
Colin Morris also seemed worthy of passing on to the Branch
membership, particularly as so many members seemed intent on
passing the information on to me. Thanks also to Steve Peeke for
the last of this month's amusing items.
On a more serious note, you will recall my appeal for Quiz team
members a few weeks ago. To date I have no takers, but things
have taken a turn for the worst. The County Quiz is scheduled for
16th February, and one of our team is unavailable. We are
particularly desperate to replace him as our team members all
feel that the greatest mark of respect we could pay Roland Gawler
is to have a clean sweep of Quiz trophies. If you are interested,
and would like to become part of a team which is envied
throughout the whole of England, then please call me on 01634
235148, as soon as possible. Surely the biggest Branch in Kent is
not going to have to field a short team?!
All articles to: Ian Miles, 17 Church Farm Road, Upchurch, Kent
ME9 7AG. Tel 01634 235148. E-mail ian.miles@marshalls.co.uk
Thanks to Vic Taylor, who supplied me with the
following footballing predictions for the coming year. I hope you
find them amusing.
January
David Beckham denies again that wife Victoria is anorexic,
telling an interviewer She doesn't even wear anoraks, so how can
she be sick of them?
Just hours before their flight to Brazil, Manchester United
announce that they are to withdraw from the FIFA Clubs World
Championship to take part in the Nuneaton & District Schools
Challenge Cup (Under 12 Section). You can't stand in the way of
progress, says Chairman Martin Edwards.
After the success of Sir Alex Ferguson's autobiography Managing
My Life, Paul Gascoigne releases his own tell-all memoirs,
entitled Mangling My Wife.
February
Fulham owner Mohammed Al-Fayed fails in his latest bid to win an
English passport. Several members of the Liverpool squad
immediately offer him the use of theirs on the grounds that they
have no plans to visit Europe at any time in the near future.
Commemorative Nuneaton & District Schools Challenge Cup
(Under 12 Section) winners' shirts go on sale at Manchester
United Megastore.
After John Gregory's dismissal, Glenn Hoddle returns to
management as boss of Aston Villa and pledges never to repeat his
slurs against the disabled. Anyone who thinks I'll fall into that
trap again must be a complete spastic, he says.
March
In a shock press conference at Old Trafford, Sir Alex Ferguson
and Martin Edwards announce their intention to withdraw
Manchester United from the 1999-2000 Champions League due to
fixture congestion. Both angrily deny their decision has anything
to do with the fact that they were knocked out of the competition
the previous night by Lazio.
Arsenal drop out of the championship race after having all ten
outfield players sent off in the first half of a Premiership
game. I didn't see anything, says Arsene Wenger, who admits that
he is furious about the late goal which allowed Sheffield
Wednesday to earn a 1-1 draw.
April
Manchester United transfer list Gary Neville, Paul Scholes, and
Ronny Johnsen after all three are captured on film obeying the
speed limit.
Leeds wrap up the Premiership, but their celebrations are ruined
when Alan Smith and Jonathon Woodgate are found to have swapped
their championship medals for some rare Pokemon trading cards.
Chris Sutton is a surprise late entrant for the election of Mayor
of London. He's the most complete mare I've ever come across,
says campaign backer Ken Bates.
May
Arsenal win the FA Cup. Their victory parade through the streets
of North London ends at Highbury, where they immediately face
Cambridge United in their third round tie from season 2000-2001,
brought forward because of fixture congestion.
There is some consolation for beaten finalists Newcastle United
as, along with his loser's medal, the Queen hands Bobby Robson a
telegram. I was planning to send you this later in the week
anyway, she explains.
After Barcelona humiliate Chelsea 5-0 in the European Cup Final,
an angry Gianluca Vialli lambasts his side, claiming : We played
like a bunch of schoolgirls out there. The players point out they
were only acting on orders from coach Graham Rix.
June
David Beckham is sent off to a chorus of boos as England crash
3-0 to Portugal in their first game of Euro 2000. When asked
afterwards how he'll cope with the stick, Beckham replies: I
don't think she' ll mind at all. Victoria doesn't really like
football.
ITV's tournament coverage is thrown into chaos when analyst Craig
Brown flies home straight after the first round.
After successive defeats by Germany and Romania, England are out
too, and Kevin Keegan turns his attention to the forthcoming
World Cup qualification campaign. I think we can win it, he says.
July
Italy beat Germany 2-0 to win Euro 2000. In the wild celebrations
that follow, David May is pictured proudly holding the trophy
aloft.
During a hectic four week campaign, Manchester United play every
other club side on earth and defeat them all. A subsequent poll
asks: Are Manchester United The Best Team In The World? 95% of
readers say "No".
Released by United, Teddy Sheringham signs for Fulham and
receives a brand new Harrods racing bike from owner Mohammed
Al-Fayed as part of the deal. I can't wait to show those Gooners
my pedals , he says.
August
Paul Gascoigne's much rumoured move to a top American outfit goes
awry when it is discovered that he is too fat to fit inside the
Ronald McDonald suit.
Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the
Premiership because of fixture congestion. Explains chairman
Martin Edwards: Removing these 38 meaningless games from our
schedule will give us ample time for our important friendlies
against Singapore Rattans, Kuala Lumpur Neckstretchers, and the
Arkansas Howdy-Doodies, plus the defence of our Nuneaton &
District Schools Challenge Cup (Under 12 Section) crown.
September
Alan Shearer is among eight Newcastle first teamers sidelined
with dental problems. Club insiders blame Bobby Robson's
insistence on replacing the traditional half time oranges with
bags of Werthers Originals.
After a disappointing start to the new season, Blackburn sack
boss Tony Parkes and immediately re-appoint him as caretaker
manager.
Called to the Premiership match between Leicester and Coventry,
the bomb squad manages to defuse Martin O'Neill, though Gordon
Strachan is destroyed in a controlled explosion.
October
Hounded out of England, David Beckham joins Juventus and
announces that he has topped former team-mate Roy Keane's
contract by signing a lucrative 51,000 lire a week deal.
Manchester United announce their intention to withdraw from the
EC and NATO.
Following months of frustration at Peter Johnson's refusal to
sanction the purchase of new players, Everton fans are delighted
when new chairman Alan Sugar arrives at Goodison Park.
November
Robbie Fowler tells an interviewer "It's a privilege to be
one small part of the greatest club in the world". Sadly,
the club he is talking about is Cream.
Bored of winning everything in Scottish football, Glasgow Rangers
turn their hand to politics and sweep the board in Scottish
elections. Sadly, their domestic excellence is not mirrored by a
dismal set of European policies.
Bonfire Night is one to forget for Ryan Giggs, who is involved in
an accident with a firework. He sobs, The gaffer's always telling
me that I'm no rocket scientist.
December
After protests that 1999's event was too subdued, Gerard Houllier
announces that Liverpool's Christmas party will be held in a
sleazy dive. That sounds right up my street , declares Michael
Owen.
Chris Sutton spends a fortune on a top of the range PC for
Christmas, but a defective modem ensures he can't find the net.
Manchester United call on the Russians to withdraw from Chechnya
and Michael Douglas to withdraw from Catherine Zeta Jones.
Asked whether he is enjoying life in Italy, David Beckham replies
Is the Pope Catholic? Adds the midfielder Well? Is he? I really
need to find out.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Thanks also to Steve Peeke, who sent me the following amusing
story.
A man goes to Glasgow airport, and eventually goes into the
departure lounge to wait for the call for his flight home. The
place is a mess. All around him are overturned tables, smashed
windows, upturned chairs, broken flight monitors, and crowd
control barriers littering the floor.
Christ, what happened here? he asks one of the ground crew.
Oh! , he says. Bloody hopeless, it was. We had the Scotland squad
in here this morning, filming for the new Nike ad.\rdblquote
!!!!!
DATES FOR YOUR DIARY
Those new year 2000 diaries can be put to good use. The following
dates can all be filled with Branch functions.
February Race Night at AEI. Proceeds to Roland Gawler Appeal.
February Branch Meeting - Coaching is Lining.
March Branch Meeting - Guest Speaker Dermot Gallagher.
April Branch Meeting - Coaching to be advised.
May Branch Meeting - AGM.
May Referee of the Year Dinner & Dance.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLICKS
Newsletter items are sometimes like London buses. You wait for
ages and then four come along together. Such was the case in this
instance, and, by sheer coincidence, all four articles concerned
Colin Morris, the second half of the old Symbollicks partnership.
Whilst trying to help out Maureen Gawler, our Good Samaritan
managed to lock both Maureen and himself out of her bungalow.
This, of course, involved a call to an emergency locksmith, plus
a lot of waiting around on a cold winter's day.
As many of you know, Colin wears glasses for reading and close
work. (They say the eyes are the first to go when you get old).
However, one day, he managed to mislay his specs. Now, he's
obviously not the first to do so, but, having searched high and
low, the glasses were finally found. It's amazing, really. Surely
you look in the most obvious places first, so when the missing
glasses were found, Colin was kicking himself over all the wasted
time. I would have thought that underneath Maureen Gawler's bed
would have been the first place to look!
Colin's travels around the county, coaching to other Branches,
took a turn for the worst with an early Christmas break, when he
completely forgot to go to Thanet's Branch meeting! Next time we
have in-house coaching, perhaps administration should be on the
agenda!
Finally, Colin was travelling to Guildford with Keith Jarvis and
Richard Hills as Guest Speakers for a Coaching Course, when his
car broke down. They managed to pull off the A3, and park in a
wooded area to await the recovery vehicle. What the three gents
did not know was that this particular spot is frequented by
homosexuals, and is known locally as Gay Wood!
